I demand an upgrade!

The human body is an incredible thing. The way our brain sends information to make us move, how our heart beats, reproduction process, our memory…all of it….it’s just amazing. I think God did a pretty darn good job. But some things require upgrades now and then.

A little over 3 years ago, I delivered a bouncing baby boy via Cesarean section. He was breech and they thought his cord was wrapped around his neck so the C/S was mandatory. My husband (at the time) and I had decided earlier in the pregnancy that 3 kids was enough for us (he has a son from a previous relationship)…so he was going to have a vasectomy after the baby was born. With the news that I had to have the C/S, we decided to go ahead and have a tubal ligation done (aka: get my tubes tied), since they would already have me sliced open anyway. (I swear, men always get off easy.)

So, my son was born, tubes were tied, all is well right? Not so much. You would think that since I am no longer going to have children, that there should be some upgrade, new program or switch that they turn off to tell my body that it does not need to do the whole monthly womanly preparing for reproduction shebang. I don’t need or want Aunt Flow or PMS anymore…not like I ever really did.

Not only is it bad for the environment (think of all the paper products I will be using for the next how many years), but it is bad for my and my children’s sanity not to mention my “girlish figure”.

Every month I get a killer migraine for a couple days before the “event”, I break out, bloat and become a raving bitch (yes, more than usual) and crave ungodly amounts of greasy comfort foods.
I would easily trade one of my children for a slice of chocolate covered pizza with Xanax sprinkles, a side of fries with ranch, cheese & bacon and a brownie sundae.

During this lovely time, I apparently have less of a bullshit tolerance than I normally do. When my kids get whiny or act like monsters, things can get ugly. Last night for example, my kids were non stop whining, spilling stuff, arguing with each other and sassy mouthing at me. Their little behinds were in bed so fast, I didn’t even use toothpaste when I brushed their teeth. Yes, *I* brush their teeth….I pay for the dental bills and I want it done right the first time. We even skipped prayers last night… I was just DONE.. They probably said their own prayers after I left the room that they would have their normal Mommy back soon. Haha

I realize that I can be a *tad* crabby and difficult to be around, but there is not a darn thing I can do about it.

I would like to put an end to this ridiculously unnecessary process. I will deal with the decline of the rest of my body: the creases starting to form near my eyes, gravity’s ugly effect on my once perky parts, etc. But for the love of all things sacred…STOP THIS MADNESS!

I demand an upgrade!

You don’t want to piss off a hormonal woman now do you?